英语小笑话（一）：
A Useful Way 一个有效的方法
Father: Jack， why do you drink so much water?
Jack: I have just had an apple， Dad。
Father: What"s that got to do with it?
Jack: I forgot to wash the apple。
爸爸：杰克，你干嘛喝这么多水呀?
杰克：我刚才吃了个苹果，爸爸。
爸爸：可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢?
杰克：我忘了洗苹果呀。
英语小笑话（二）：
我根本就看不见
After supper， the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests。 At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV， "Honey， go see if the kitchen light is on or not?" After a while， her son returnedand said， "Ma， the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all。"
晚饭后，父亲和母亲都忙着和客人玩麻将，这时母亲忽然想起点儿事来，便对正在看电视的儿子说道：“宝贝，去看看厨房里的灯是不是还开着呢?” 过了一会儿，儿子回来说：“妈，厨房里太黑了，我根本就看不见。”
英语小笑话（三）：
Tom's excuse 汤姆的借口
Teacher: Tom， why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I e to the corner， a sign says， School-Go Slow。
教师：汤姆，您为什么每一天上学迟到?
汤姆：我每次走过拐角，一个路标上头写着：学校----慢行。
英语小笑话（四）：
三只乌龟
Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee。 Just as they got into the cafe， it started to rain。
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one， " Go home and get the umbrella。"
The little turtle replied， "I will， if you don't drink my offee。"
"We won't，" the other two promised。
Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle， "Well， I guess he isn't ing back， so we might as well drink his coffee。"
Just then a voice called from outside the door， "If you do， I won't go。"
三只乌龟决定去喝咖啡。它们刚到咖啡店的门口，就下起雨来。于是最大的那只乌龟对最小的乌龟说，“回家去取伞吧。”[由Www.xnwsq.Com整理]
最小的乌龟说，“如果你们不把我的咖啡喝了，我就去。”
“我们不喝，”另外两只乌龟答应说。
两年后，大乌龟对中乌龟说，“好吧，我猜他肯定不回来了，我们能够把它的咖啡喝掉了。”
正在这时，一个声音从门外传来，“你们要是喝了，我就不去。”
英语小笑话（五）：
"Excuse me，but the seat you've taken is mine。"
"Yours?Can you prove it?"
"Yes，I put a cup of ice cream on it。"
"请原谅，你占了我的位置。"
"你的位置?你能征明这点吗?"
"能，我在位置上放了杯冰激凌。"
英语小笑话（六）：
孩子的祈祷
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house。 At bedtime， the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers， when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs: "I pray for a bicycle。 I pray for a new toy。"
两个小男孩在祖父母家过夜。睡觉的时候，两个小男孩跪在床边开始祈祷，这时小一些的孩子扯开嗓子大声喊道：“我祈求得到一辆自行车。我祈求有一个新玩具。”
His older brother leaned over， nudged him and said， "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf。"
他的哥哥靠过来，用肘轻碰他说：“你为什么这么大声喊叫呢？上帝又不是聋子。”
To which the little brother replied， "No， but Grandma is!"
弟弟回答说：“是的，可是奶奶听不到呀！”
英语小笑话（七）：
Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings。
"Look，" said the elder brother。 "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes，" said the younger， "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children。 Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained， "Obviously he was painting the pictures。"
父亲在哪儿?
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀!”
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，仅有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?”
哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
英语小笑话（八）：
The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife，" the man plained to his friend。 "She asks me a question， then answers it herself， and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong。
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自我回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”
英语小笑话（九）：
Put your feet in
The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle ，and was busily chewing gum， when the teacher espied her。 "Mary !" called the teacher sharply。 "Yes，Madam?" questioned the pupil ， "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"
把脚放进去
一个女学生坐在座位上，嘴里起劲地嚼着口香糖，脚却伸到课桌间的走道里，被教师发现了。“玛丽!”教师严厉地叫她。“什么事，教师?”这女学生问。“把口香糖从嘴里拿出来，把脚放进去。”
英语小笑话（十）：
A father of five came home with a toy， summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present， “Who is the most obedient， never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired。 There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it， Daddy!”
一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里，把孩子们召集来问这件礼物应当给谁。“谁最听话，从不和妈妈顶嘴，让干什么就干什么?”他问道。大家都不吭声。过了一会儿，孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸，您玩儿吧。”
英语小笑话（十一）：
Intelligent son
One day， the father lets eight year-old son send a letter， the son took the letter ， the father then remembered didn't write the address and addressee's name on the envelope。
After the son es back， the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter in the mail box?"
"Certainly"
"You have not seen on the envelope not to write the address and the addressee name?"
"I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope。"
"Then why you didn't take it back?"
"I also thought that you do not write the address and the addressee， is for does not want to let me know that you do send the letter to who!"
聪明的儿子
有一天，父亲让八岁的儿子去寄一封信，儿子已经拿着信跑了，父亲才想起信封上没写地址和收信人的名字。
儿子回来后，父亲问他:“你把信丢进邮筒了吗?” “当然”“你没看见信封上没有写地址和收信人名字吗?”
“我当然看见信封上什么也没写”“那你为什么不拿回来呢?”
“我还以为你不写地址和收信人，是为了不想让我明白你把信寄给谁呢!”
英语小笑话（十二）：
Dentist: Please stop howling。 I haven't even touched your tooth yet。
Patient: I know。 But you are standing on my foot!
牙医：请不要再叫了，我都还没有挨着你的牙齿啊!
病人：可是，亲，你可明白，你踩到我脚了!!!
英语小笑话（十三）：
Let Dog in Hotel
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me。 He is well-groomed and very well behaved。 Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner， who said， "I've been operating this hotel for many years。 In all that time， I've never had a dog steal towels， bedclothes， silverware or pictures off the walls。 I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly。 And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill。 Yes， indeed， your dog is wele at my hotel。 And， if your dog will vouch for you， you're wele to stay here， too。"
一个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我十分期望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?”
旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单， 餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们十分欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。
英语小笑话（十四）：
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine， unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from。"
客人：“为什么你的狗狗坐在那儿老是看着我吃东西呢?”
旅馆主人：“我不敢想象，除非是因为你拿了它经常用来吃东西的盘子了。”
英语小笑话（十五）：
The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife，" the man plained to his friend。 "She asks me a question， then answers it herself， and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong。
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自我回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”
Who's More Polite?
A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite。 The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies。 But the fat man knew he was more courteous because， whenever he got up and offered his seat， two ladies could sit down。
谁更有礼貌?
一个胖子和一个瘦子在争论谁更有礼貌。瘦子说他更有礼貌，因为他经常对女士摘帽示意。可是胖子认为他更有风度，因为无论什么时候他在车上给别人让座时，总有两位女士能坐下。
英语小笑话（十六）：
Kate: Mom， do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No， Honey， what?
Kate: A nice teapot。
Mom: But I've got a nice teapot。
Kate: No， you haven't。 I've just dropped it。
凯特：妈妈，你明白我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗?
妈妈：不明白，宝贝，是什么呀?
凯特：一把漂亮的茶壶。
妈妈：可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。
凯特：不，你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。
英语小笑话（十七）：
Does the dog know the proverb， too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog。
"It's all right，" said a gentleman， "don't be afraid。 Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah， yes，" answered the little boy。 "I know the proverb， but does the dog know the proverb， too?"
狗也明白这个谚语吗?
一个小男孩十分不喜欢狗狂叫的样貌。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你明白这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”
“啊，我是明白，可是狗也明白吗?”
英语小笑话（十八）：
George es from school on the first of September。
"George， how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother。
"I didn't like her， Mother， because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too。。。"
9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。
“乔治，你喜欢你们的新教师吗？” 妈妈问。
“妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6， 可之后又说2加4也得6。”
英语小笑话（十九）：
Dentist: I'm sorry， madam， but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth。
Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction。
Dentist: I usually do。 But your son yelled so loud， he scared four other patients out of the office。
昂贵的代价
牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。
母亲：二十五美元!可是我明白您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀?
牙科医生：是的。可是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了
英语小笑话（二十）：
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students。 He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait。
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in。 The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point。"
The next class the professor handed the tests back out。 This student got back his test and $64 change。
一天，教授正在给学生们监考。他发下试卷，然后回到讲台前等待。
考试结束了，学生们纷纷交回试卷。教授发现一张试卷上别着一张百元钞票，还有一张纸条写着：“一分一块钱。”
第二堂课，教授把试卷都发回学生们手中。其中一个学生不但得到了试卷还得到64块钱的找零。